Party Cancelled Because Of Me?

I don't know if you've twigged, but Facebook (like the internet in general) is choc' full of 'professional' people using 'social networking' to sell their wares. Many of whom try to market their sexual goods, but in a manner not to annoy Facebook. Some aren't very good at it (the "Lube My Tits" group only lasted a few hours before being removed) whilst others are still on, and have amassed 14,829 friends.

I should know because "I" am one of them. Not me of course but an alter ego I created to see how many friends I could get even tho' I don't know them. My alter ego has 555 friends, none of whom he actually knows, but waaaaay more than me.

Anyway. being on Facebook with lots of friends means you are constantly invited to everything. My alter ego was invited to "Presenting Footsie Foot Parties" so naturally I accepted. Unfortunately the organisers took their event seriously. Very seriously.

First I got this email:

Facebook to: me

Bailey sent a message to the members of Presenting Footsie Foot Parties.

Subject: Footsie


You have stated you are attending our "Foot Party" however neither myself or Cindy Ray have had any kind of contact with you.

In order for you to get a ticket you must contact us as we would need to discuss things and make arangements with you.

If we do not hear from you by 12noon tomorrow we will presume you will not be attending and you will be taken off the attendee list on the group. If you are serious and do wish to attend then I recommend that you email Cindy Ray ASAP to qualify for your ticket!!!!

Please act quickly as there are limited tickets avalible to this exclusive gathering.


then I got this email:

Facebook to: me

Cindy canceled the event "Presenting Footsie Foot Parties".

The Facebook Team

Oh dear! Imagine if I threw a Cheap Sex Re-Union Party and no-one showed up?



Kylie Minogue performs at Auckland's Vector Arena tonight and tomorrow. To celebrate (if you're a fan) here are some Kylie clips. I wouldn't class myself as a fan, but I do acknowledge some of her dance floor hits are very good ("Locomotion" not so)

I met Kylie once when I lived in Quay West. I opened my door and there she was, just like in one of those 'celebrity fantasy' letters you see in Penthouse Forum. (BTW - does anyone actually read porn anymore? It seems like such a dated concept: holding a magzine. I'm sure if you discussed it with young boys today [but who would, because that would open up a can of worms in itself] they'd say "Magazine's? WTF?")

Anyway, it was Kylie but she wasn't wearing her gold hotpants and she hadn't come to f@#k my brains out. It turns out she was in the apartment next door doing press interviews for her new album. (Quay West is an 'Apartment Hotel', with half the apartments used by owners as residences and the other half leased to the Hotel).

I was about to say "Hi" and tell her about how I'd also met her sister Dannii back in 1991 when I worked (briefly) at 91FM, but thought the better of it. So I just said "Hi". She said "Hi" back and then told me I was quite tall (I wasn't, but Kylie is quite short so I guess everyone is tall to her) and that she liked tall men and pushed me back into my apartment - undoing my belt at the same time ...

At least that's what I think happened ...

Blue Monday:

Kylie vs Madonna:

This one is soooo Gay Disco:

The Santa Parade

Everyone in Auckland knows the Santa Parade, we've been going since were little kids. Back in 1985, when I was a part of Smooth Inc (the graffiti off-shoot of breakdancers The Megazoids) we were asked by Farmers* to come in and add a bit of 'youth' to some of the tired parade floats. Obviously we couldn't paint anything in Wild Style, but we were happy to do our bit. Hip Hop is about being 'recognised' (or should that be 'rekonized'?) and graffiti is all about getting your pieces seen by as many people as possible. So painting some parade floats that were going to run down the city's main street in front of 100,000 people was pretty big.

I snapped these pics that year, and you can find more on the Facebook group Old School NZ Hip Hop:

Yesterday I went back to Queen Street to watch the 2008 Santa Parade. Auckland City certainly has come a long way since I was a kid. At least half the crowd seemed to be from the 'immigrant community' ie 'not white'. Being the child of Italian immigrants myself I know what it's like to grow up feeling slightly disassociated from the traditional/dominant 'Anglo' kiwi culture, but at least I wasn't 'not white' so I had no real problem assimilating. Most of our non-white immigrants don't have it so easy and I was surprised to see so much aggro at yesterday's parade.

Maybe 'aggro' is too strong -- but there were a lot of niggles. Usually when a non-white person tried to push their way through the throng and upset Whitey who'd been there since 11am in order to get the best spot to watch the 2pm parade. What Whitey doesn't understand is that these immigrants have probably come from cities with a zillion people and for them there's loads of room, and if I see a gap I'm just going to move over there and fill it. And if you really want to know what poor crowd control is (ie a survival-of-the-fittest free-for-all) you should be in Paris on Bastille Day. But I'll save that story for later.

And it happened to me too. I had a great spot and got lots of good pictures (for my daughter, she insisted) until about half way through, when some woman planted herself in front of me. She didn't plant herself straight away of course - first she went through the charade of miming her need to get through and go 'over there' to those kids in the front row she was pointing at. Right next to my daughter seemingly. But as soon as she got in front of me she stopped, and then proceeded to take really good photos of the floats. The same really good photos I'd been taking from that position up until then!

Rather than remonstrate with her (pointless) I snapped her picture and resolved to blog my stress away. Which I've done now.

But to finish on a positive note here are some pics of the Santa Parade:


Silence Is Golden

I've been quiet because I've been locked out of my Google accounts for over a week. Turns out I wasn't, I just needed to clear the cache after upgrading FireFox, but there you go. (They shoulda said!!)

But I've missed out on the opportunity to blog about the Obama election (YAY!) and the NZ election (Go Maori Party!). Is there any point now? I know it's just the staunch Labourites who still give a shit. Gotta give props to Key for getting the MP on board - that should balance out any crap ACT try to pull.

And I've finally got (I think) the photo thing sorted, but it's such a pain I can't be arsed today. Maybe next time.

Besides, since no-one actually bothers to comment on the pics I post on Facebook ... why bother?

Halloween Is For The Children ... And Paedophiles

Gee, will you look at the time? It's almost a quarter to Halloween. WTF is Halloween? If you said a pagan ritual to celebrate All Hallow's Eve then I'd say "Bunkum!"

Whatever Halloween once was, it is now just part of the Capitalist Consumerist Conspiracy. Parents/kids don't even make their own costumes anymore, they buy them. And when I say 'anymore' please remember that Halloween wasn't even a popular event in NZ until the 1990's. It's an American tradition that's been foisted on us by some American conglomerate. Don't believe me? Let me tell you a personal story about my involvement in inflicting Halloween on the NZ retail mass-market. (After this gratuitous picture of what passes for a Halloween costume these days)


In 1991 I left student radio and joined 'commercial radio'. Unlike many others who successfully made that transition, I didn't and six months later I found myself looking for a new job. I joined Network Distributors, then the second largest magazine distributor in NZ (#1 was Gordon & Gotch). I was the 'International Account Manager' - a grand title that meant I looked after all the non-NZ titles we distributed. One day we had a big meeting with a big American company who pitched the idea of us distributing his large range of Halloween Products.

He had prepacked Halloween Costumes, masks, wigs, banners, decorations, party plates, etc etc etc - all the stuff you see in stores now. And he was looking for NZ distribution (retailing is all about distribution - it's no good marketing a product line if it's not sitting in a rack in all the stores). We discussed the proposal at length, with me saying that Halloween was not part of the NZ culture and that I doubted kiwi's would embrace it.

But there was a dollar to be made so we took on the line and released it to moderate success. By the following Halloween I had left the company but noticed that The Warehouse now stocked a massive line of Halloween products. I guess the Big American Company went to them as well and sold them on the concept.

So now Halloween is a part of kiwi culture. Which is great news for paedophiles. What other time of the year do they get young kids coming to their door, demanding lollies? For 364 days of the year we warn kids about 'Stranger Danger' but on Halloween we encourage them to dress up, go out, and ... solicit?


Mash Ups

Bah! I managed to download some photos via Photobucket, but now I can't (again). Damntechnology! Since all I can do (until my brain grows) is post YouTube clips, here's a couple of mash-ups I thought were fun. As per all mash-ups they're always only 95% spot on, but WTF :

50 Cent vs. Bee Gees "Stayin Alive In Da Club"

proof that you can mash almost anything:

Michael Jackson vs Metallica

and of course, this classic:

Nirvana v Destiny's Child

and finally, this guy couldn't mash Metallica and The Beatles so made his own parody video:


Did you know I used to be on TV too?

I thought I should point out that when I made the statement "did you know I used to be on TV too?" in an earlier post, I wasn't being serious. Lest you think I'm vain, which I'm not, but which is what people on TV generally are.

Yes, I was on TV but only briefly and only in a supporting role on a blink-and-you'll miss-it TV show waaaay back in 1989. That's like, last century, and so doesn't count. And even if it did count my on-screen performances were so bad that the good folks at TVNZ were kind enough to make a little compilation clip -- which was passed around behind my back and shown at parties. Not that I knew, I only found out about it years later.

I enjoyed the experience, but clearly my talents were better suited to writing than performing. I'll write a proper blog about that experience later, but I just wanted you know that I'm not as vain as some people presume I am (and there's another story there too, which I'll also discuss at a later date) just because I attempt to be self-deprecating and say things like "Did you know I used to be on TV too?".

I wuz joking!


Sunday Service

Got Milk? Get Religion!


Madonna Splits from Guy Ritchie

Was anyone surprised? I mean, really? When you get inducted into the Rock N Roll Hall Of Fame and your partner stays home because they're "too busy" ... hey, I think that's a clue that things are not working out.

Who's to blame? I don't know (although like 95% of you I presume it's... MADONNA) but I'm guessing even if it's 'amicable' it's still not a happy day in either household. I was going to say they are probably feeling blue but I've just reminded myself (mentally) that since I'm not on the radio anymore I don't have to make lame segue's. So instead I'll just say: Roll the clip! (did you know I used to be on TV too?)

BTW - it's a damned good mash up. Some are pretty lame.


Pin Ups & Body Paint Models

You might have noticed those Pin Ups and Body Paint Models boxes on the right of this blog aren't actually showing any Pin Ups or Body Paint Models. They used to, but now they're just showing ads. They were quite cool so I'll leave the boxes there for a while longer to see if the problem corrects itself. (Scroll down for the Dating Tips box, and waaay down to the bottom for Sex Positions)


Help Me, I'm Old!!

I have become my father ... unable to master this new fangled technology.

I have followed the FAQ Advice on Blogger ... downloaded Flikr Uploader ... and Picassa Uploader too. But for the life of me I CAN'T SEEM TO UPLOAD ANY FRIKKEN PICTURES!!

What's a blog without photo's? A frikken useless boring blog, that's what.

If anyone has any clues for the computerly illiterate (me) then email them through. Cheers.

In the meantime you can see the Cheap Sex pictures HERE.

[UPDATE] Will Photobucket work? Let's see...


Hmmm, problem solved!! Yippee!


I Gotta Whole Lotta Love

I have to say I was blown away when Jimmy Page played the opening riff of Whole Lot Of Love at the closing ceremony of the Beijing 2008 Olympics. It was, for me at least, completely unexpected. Sure, I knew it was Jimmy Page from Led Zeppelin up there on top of the red double decker bus, but I just presumed he was there as window dressing to add some cred to whatever song Leona Lewis was about to sing. Sort of like when Slash from Guns N Roses played guitar on that Michael Jackson song (that I can't be bothered googling to remember the name of).

But when Leona's vocal intro faded to nothing and Jimmy started that riff ... OMFG!

The hairs went up on the back of my neck. Jimmy Page, from Led Zeppelin, is PLAYING Whole Lotta Love and a GAZILLION people are watching it WORLDWIDE! Not a watered down 'pop' version but the original dude playing the same dirty guitar riff the same way he played it 30 years before. Sure, you can argue that it's just an example of yesterday's rebellious rock re-packaged as pop product for today's mass market consumers but I give them all mad props anyway.

Having worked in event management I know that who ever came up with the idea of Jimmy Page playing Whole Lotta Love at the closing ceremony of the 2008 Beijing Olympics to promote the 2012 London Olympics would have had to push shit up hill to get it accepted. David Beckham kicking a football? A no-brainer. But Jimmy? That was a master stroke.

Any chance we'll be seeing The Sex Pistols performing Pretty Vacant* at the opening ceremony of the 2012 London Olympics? I love that opening riff too.
(*C'mon, there's no way they'd be allowed to play God Save The Queen!)

[NB: I was hoping to post a YouTube clip of Jimmy's performance but the Olympic Games Megacorp have shut them all down. Just keep searching for it yourself and maybe somewhere you'll get lucky. It's worth a peep.]


Prostitution is the New Cool?

The recent Boobs On Bikes Parade down Queen Street re-ignited the debate over the mainstreaming of pornography. With 80+,000 people lining the street to watch the visiting porn stars parade topless down Auckland's main street, versus the 100 odd protesters marching in front of the parade ... well, I think that debate is done and dusted.

But one thing that those opposing the parade kept asking on Talkback radio ad nauseum was 'If we accept this, what's next?' The question was rhetorical since they always answered the question themselves with "Next there'll be male genitalia on display; and then they'll be copulating on the back of trucks not long after that".

Given that I could never have imagined a Topless Parade down Queen Street when I started Cheap Sex 10+ years ago I suppose I shouldn't rule out that one day we shall also see public fornication as street theatre. But I doubt it.

What I will say is that pornography has definately been mainstreamed. Mainstreamed as in most people just shrug and think 'whatever'. Again, who would have thought 10+ years ago that 'regular' TV would air a show called Girls Of The Playboy Mansion, detailing the 'reality' of Hugh Hefner shacking up with three (or is it four?) playmates? (BTW, can we take a minute to reflect on how icky it is for 3 young babes to be with a man old enough to be their grandfather? Ewww! Seriously, Ewwww!)

Anyway, if pornography has been mainstreamed, what is next? I saw a story on-line today that made me wonder if the Next Big Thing for the media will be Prostitution. Possibly no big deal here in New Zealand where prostitution is already legal, but in the US it's still illegal (except in Nevada) so for the US mainstream media maybe Prostitution is the next new frontier.

You can read the story Secrets of a Hipster Hooker in full here (NB: the pages seem out of order) but I'll give you an excerpt that I found particularly funny:

"These sleazy banker types came up to us and asked if they could join our table," Heather recalls. At first she told them to get lost, but she relented after the men ordered a cheese plate and some nice wine. One of the guys took a seat next to Heather and, after some small talk, disclosed that he had just left his wife. "I'm looking to spend my money," he said. He was fiddling with a cash clip stuffed with $100 bills...

... That night she went to his apartment in Trump Tower. "It was pretty straightforward. He offered me $3,000 to let him fuck me. I almost leaped on him."

[bold emphasis is mine]

I think that's funny because it's long been my impression that the Auckland City councillors (or their planning staff) can be bought by Big Business for the cost of a good Wine & Cheese function. Evidently the same in New York will convince an educated middle class white woman to join the ranks of the World's Oldest Profession.



Some Facebook Memories

I've set up a group on Facebook and some people have already posted comments on the Wall there ...

A few samples:

Phoebe wrote:
i remember, just. barney and glenn have lots of photos from these parties... we were so underage too, the bouncers snuck us in it was awesome

Adrian wrote:
having staffies on a sunday morning at squid, leaving with kev the hat
and falling down the stairs, crashing in a heap at the bottom
(first flight only from the top bar)
day people in vulcan lane looking at us well weird.

Craig wrote:
School on monday was always a challenge after teenage drag at Squid!

Timothy wrote:
yep remeber these nights well hot as

Owen wrote:
hahhaha i remember that floor fallin in one night..and dodgyness on the couches by the toilet.hehhe fantastic times

Bryce wrote:
My only memory is working bar with Gav Downie, stripped to the waist, smothered in cooking oil, with 'BITCH' written in lipstick on my chest. Good times, good times...

Chad wrote:
I have only pictures in my mind. They are not pretty.

Mervyn (Italy):
First time I ever wore a gimp outfit in public.......ohhhhhhh so wrong...

Conrad wrote:
I have a few print photos somewhere. And great memories. Excellent party fun times they were, like the best ever.

Jo wrote:
I also went the Sleaze Ball but I think I passed out under some chairs and a couple of drag queens found me there in the morning.. how very embarrassing!

David wrote:
Whichever beer it was, it tasted like shit.
ahh feijoa! how i remember the fumes..........

Grant wrote:
I have a picture of me dressed in drag somewhere...the only time this has ever happened, will try and dig it out.


Cheap Sex at Squid

In the mid to late 90's a series of club nights (dance parties?) were held at the Squid Nightclub in Auckland, New Zealand. They weren't 'sex parties' but they did get pretty wild. If you attended then join this blog and share your story ...

Email me via and tell us your story (if you wish to remain anonymous just say so!). I'll post your anecdote/confessional and everyone can see, share, and reminisce.