I Jizzed In My Pants

In my previous blog I suggested that schoolboys could get an erection for no reason other than the breeze changes direction. I had no idea where that came from as I wrote it, but these guys say the same thing in their song I Jizzed In My Pants. The clip is amusing, and see if you can spot the cameos:

My thanks to Facebook friend Justin for posting the clip!


Back To School

It's that time of year when parents rejoice: 'the kids are going back to school!' It's also a time when a minority of teachers rejoice too: 'fresh meat!' I remember well a certain English teacher who would mark out a 6th Form girl as 'special' and by the end of the year they would be going out on secret dinner dates. To discuss drama and literature of course. I observed him do it in my 5th, 6th, and 7th form years so I'm guessing he didn't stop after I left.

So I guess that's where my fascination with 'Teacher/Student Sex' came from. I don't mean looking at porn featuring people pretending to be student and teacher, but the real stuff. Actual cases of teachers being arrested for having sex with a student. That's what fascinates me. What's going on in their mind? Do you not realise that this person is waaaay younger than you and their brain still hasn't matured. So you seduced a hormonal child? Big f@#king deal, Casanova.

I guess part of it is tied to when I worked as a DJ at a skating rink and had to watch 14 - 16 year old girls getting all hot and excited by some 20+ year old guy who obviously had no life ... because why else would he be skating on Saturday afternoons, and then returning for the evening sessions? His Loserdom was sealed if he'd also been in on the Friday night as well.

But the girls didn't care. He wore a leather jacket, smoked cigarettes, and could skate backwards. The latter was important because it meant he could get right in front of a girl and stare at her as he flirted. And oh how they loved it, giggling like ... um ... the schoolgirls they were. But I digress (and we're coming perilously close to 'what sort of loser DJ's at a Skating Rink for a living?*') ...

No-one really blinks anymore if a male teacher is caught seducing a female student, but if the genders are reversed our heads poke up like meerkats. We want to know what kind of loser woman she is that she need to seduce schoolboys. (Because we all know a schoolboy will get an erection if the breeze shifts direction). And more often that not, a picture paints a thousand words. I love it when they publish the pictures:

This woman had sex with her student three hundred times!

And this woman had sex with a female student!


OMIGOD! She's a Lesbian! Burn her! She's a Lesbian - Omigod!!!

NB: If you're reading this on Facebook you need to click on "see original" to get to the original Blogger posting, with all the links and PICTURES. No links/pictures via Facebook.

* fear not, that story will be told eventually.


Air NZ PR Team: 1 ; NZ Media: 0

I'm writing this on Wednesday morning, but holding publication back until today since I don't wish to seem insensitive to the tragedy suffered by friends and family of the five New Zealanders killed in the Airbus crash in France on November 28. It's always terrible when a loved one dies, especially if it is sudden and accidental.

My issue is with the PR department at Air NZ who have milked these deaths for their own purpose, namely a brand building exercise. And with those in the NZ media who have gone along with it.

When the accident occurred Air New Zealand chief executive Rob Fyfe did the right thing in flying to Perpignan, France to take charge - both by helping the French Aviation Authority sort out the cause of the accident, and in ensuring that the bodies of the missing New Zealanders were recovered and returned home.

But someone, somewhere realised that this accident also offered a PR opportunity. If handled correctly New Zealanders could be made to feel the sorrow of the friends and family whose loved ones had died; and then they could be made to feel 'good' about Air NZ if Air NZ were seen to be 'doing the right thing'. It was like we had our own mini-Diana on the nightly news in the weeks following the aircrash. Every little morsel of trivia was offered up, and all the while Air NZ/Fyfe was seen to be 'doing the right thing'.

This culminated last Tuesday night when we were treated on both channels to footage of an Air NZ jumbo towed to a hangar where a private ceremony was being held for friends, family and colleagues. Dave Dobbyn was there to perform his song "Welcome Home". Sorry, did Air NZ describe it as a private ceremony? How can it be private when you've invited the media or supplied them with your own footage of the private ceremony?

Look, I don't deny the company the right to hold a private ceremony to honour the deaths of their staff. It provides closure for friends, family, and work collegues. What I do object to is providing the images of that private ceremony to the media for your own corporate gratification. We were treated to flag draped coffins standing on the tarmac as if these dead men were fallen soldiers killed in battle. And lest we miss this imagery, Air New Zealand chief executive Rob Fyfe actually said "They died in service for their country"!

WTF? I know that the NZ government bought 72% of Air NZ a few years back to stop them collapsing but how does this translate to "They died in service for their country"? Those guys were in France to check a leased plane, prior to it's return to the leassor, Air NZ. That's all. It's terrible they died, but people die on work sites across New Zealand every year. It should have been left as a family tragedy, a truly private ceremony, and not an opportunity to show that Air NZ is capable of 'doing the right thing'.

As we speak I'm pretty sure (but yes, I'm guessing) that some polling company is quietly polling a sample of New Zealanders on how they feel about Air NZ, and how they think Air NZ handled the tragedy, and if that's made them more or less likely to fly with Air NZ in the future. And I'm guessing (again) that responses will be overwhelmingly positive.

Me? I'll continue to buy my air tickets based on price. I'll fly Air Iraq if it's cheap enough...

Footnote: Air NZ also never let pass by an opportunity to remind us that the plane was operated and crashed by Germans either (i.e. nothing really to do with Air NZ at all, doncha know?) - this excerpt from the NZ Herald is but one example:

Mr Fyfe said the arrival had been an extremely emotional time for the families and friends of the lost men and Air New Zealanders around the world.

"Arriving home in New Zealand will mark the end of another chapter as we all come to terms with the tragedy that occurred in France when we lost our men and A320 operated by XL Airways of Germany," he said.

Sh!t, am I that old? I remember when the media reported the news, not just published PR handouts...


Today Is The Day ... Obama

So the United States of America has inaugurated their first non-white President. Barrack Hussein Obama. What a momentous day. Seriously. This is a nation that 'enjoyed' slavery 160 years ago, and still had racial segration (legal!) 60 years ago.

Already there has been a lot of glib talk by right wing commentators along the lines of 'why the fuss?' and 'get over it - Obama is not the Messiah'. Of course not, no-one said he was - although the right wing tried to paint him as such in order to mock him and his supporters. They've built him up - so that they can then claim he's failed if the Global Economic Crisis is not solved by Christmas. (Yes, Obama must not only Save America, he must Save The World).

The truth is that Obama does hold out the best hope for change globally. His inauguration speech (if you listened carefully) was a damning indictment on the sh!t that Bush has been shovelling out for the past 8 years.

We understood the pain America felt after 9/11 and we allowed them their mistakes immediately after, but when they re-elected Bush in 2004 we shook our heads and said 'You folks are crazy'. Crazy because they couldn't see what seemed so obvious to us: they'd taken a turn down the wrong path, refused to acknowledge it, and seemed hell bent on continuing forward. All the while trying, expecting, that we would follow.

Hell no!

But now there is hope. Obama says the right things and soon we shall see if he can do the right things. If the US can prove they're off the meth then I'm happy to be their friends again. I'll be keeping one eye on them at all times, as I would any P head, but I'm happy to give them a chance.

Keith le Blanc 'No Sellout'

David Bowie (w/ Nine Inch Nails) 'I'm Afraid of Americans'

NB: if you're seeing this blog via Facebook you will need to click on 'View Original Post' below if you want to see the Youtube clips.


Today Is The Day ... Telecom

I got my last bill from Telecom today, after switching my Homeline rental to Orcon, who have my broadband business.

Which hereby endeth my 20+ year relationship with Telecom.

Yes Virginia, I'm old enough to remember when they were a monopoly and you had to apply for a phoneline. When they'd ask for parental guarantees even though you were 24 years old and call you to say they didn't care if your flatmates had absconded leaving you with a $200 bill for toll calls - they were going to cut off the phone and send your name to Baycorp and you'd never get any sort of credit again, ever!

Ah, those were the days.

Anyhow, the bill proudly declared it was my 'Final Bill' and that I 'didn't have to pay anything'. That's right, I owed them nothing! so there would be 'no Direct Debit this month'. Which is nice. It also showed that I had a credit balance of $35.12¢, meaning they owed me $35.12¢.

Oddly enough the bill said nothing about how they were going to return my $35.12¢ to me, just that it was my 'Final Bill'. Perhaps they were thinking/hoping/wishing/praying that I would let them keep the $35.12¢? I thought about that for about a second, thinking of my dear old Dad who bought Telecom shares at $5.40 when he retired and has held on them ever since and now they're worth (last time I looked) $2.30¢. Even though my brother and I repeatedly told him over the years that the monopoly was gone and he should sell his shares because they would continue to decline in value. Which they have as every other Telco grabs a slice of the pie.

But that's Old Folks. They have a blind faith in 'established companies' and think that if they were worth that price once they'll be worth it again one day ... if you just wait long enough (ironic, considering they are 'Old Folks') . "Investing is a long term thing" they'll say, oblivious to the fact that since the 80s the market has been taken over by Day Traders looking for a quick buck.

But that's a whole other blog (I could rave at length about Eric Watson and Hanover). The point of this blog is that today I asked Telecom for a cheque to refund the $35.12¢ credit I had with them. I sent this request to them via the wonderful prepaid re-usable reply envelope they sent their (non)bill in.

I wonder how long before I get a reply? I'll keep you posted...

UPDATE: I got paid my refund on 16/2/09. Thank you Telecom!

I'll Have My Latte At The Mevlana Cafe, Thanks.

Isn't it funny how many people from Invercargill were willing to get out and picket the Mevlana Cafe because the owner refused to serve two Israeli women their morning coffee - because of Israel's actions in Gaza. I wonder how many of those same people would also be willing to protest Israel's decision to use White Phosphorous bombs on the Palestinian population in Gaza?

Israel claim that Phosphorous is only used to light up the sky, but the reality is that it doesn't burn up before hitting the ground, and whatever it hits it burns to buggery. If you get hit with Phosphorous you're fucked, plain and simple. Last week Israel used phosphorous to burn down a U.N. warehouse in Gaza containing it's food and medical aid. The Israeli's claim that Hamas were firing rockets at Israel from the immediate vicinity of the warehouse - which is their mantra everytime they blow up a school or hospital and kill civilians: "Hamas were firing rockets from there - blame Hamas"

As I said, Phosphprous burns white hot and deep, and if it hits a kid they're scarred badly ... terribly ... for life. I totally get that Israel need to stop Hamas from firing mortars from Gaza into Israel but their methods are wholly unacceptable. What a pity the good citizens of Invercargill couldn't get behind a cafe owner's decision to protest what Israel are doing with White Phosphorous in Gaza, instead of rallying to ensure two Israeli's get their Flat White.

Our Human Rights Commission have already said that the Cafe is in the wrong:

Race Relations Commissioner Joris de Bres said refusal to serve someone based on their nationality was a clear human rights breach.

"Whatever the rights and wrongs of the situation in Palestine, it is simply against the law for providers of goods and services in New Zealand to discriminate in this way," he said.

That's all well and good Mr de Bres, and I suppose you'll also be telling our cake decorators they're wrong to refuse to sign a cake "Adolf Hitler"?

NB: If you're reading this on Facebook you need to click on "see original" to get to the original Blogger posting, with all the links. No links via Facebook.


Sex in 2009: Five Predictions From HBO's Sexpert

(Me so lazy. This blog is lifted wholesale from here - but your comments via my blog are welcome)

A friend once described his sexual appetites this way: "A hungry junkyard dog is more fun than a poodle." He's going to be one happy puppy after he reads my five predictions for sex in 2009:

1. You're going to have a lot more of it.
The recession that hit your pocket will tickle your crotch. Call it Recession Sex. If you're coupled, you're going to spend more time at home and at some point that TV's gotta be turned off. The nesting impulse will increase your resting pulse. That's the good news. The bad? As discretionary income goes down, indiscretions go up. Oops. If you're single, you'll have the time but not the money to fritter away at bars. You won't wait for the last-call yard sale so you'll probably lower the bar to increase your odds.

2. You're going to see a lot more of it.

Larry Flynt once said, "There are two kinds of people who oppose porn. Those who don't know what they're talking about and those who don't know what they're missing." Well, ain't nobody missing it anymore. It's everywhere. The mainstreaming of porn in art, fashion, and media is turning adult videos into a sort of Zen koan: No matter where you go, there it is.

3. You're going to be paying a lot less for it.

Nobody's going to put call girls in a higher tax bracket this year. With a tanking economy, streetwalkers, pole dancers and gold diggers alike are going to have to give it up for less. So are the online dating sites, as they compete with free sites like,, and It's like they've been working a corner for years and now some hussy's going to do the job for free. Oh, my.

You might blow a lot of things up for porn but it won't be your budget. You don't have to buy it anymore. Hell, you don't even have to rent it. You just have to point your browser to free sites like and, where amateurs and pros upload unstoppable watchables. Offline piracy, illegal downloads and free video sharing sites are going to make dinosaurs out of adult video studios. If they don't figure out how to compete with "FREE" soon, their last movie is gonna be about their profits--Gone With The Girdle.

4. You're going to be doing it with things that are smarter than you.

Safe sex is not a padded headboard, but it is programmable. Take the SaSi vibrator. It's a sort of iTunes dildo--it remembers your favorite vibrations so you can play them later. Make it go left, right and a little to the side and it'll 'record' the vibrational combinations, releasing you from, well, all that hard work.

5. You're going to see videos of strangers before you do it with them.

Online dating sites have already introduced relevant searching methods, instant messaging, and mobile phone access to pictures and profiles. What's next? Videos. They'll get rid of flakes that use fake pictures, serving as a kind of Venus Lie Trap. Watch AOL's beta test of, the first to bundle Instant Messenger, audio and video into a traditional dating site.

My bottom line prediction for sex in 2009: The No Pants Dance craze will sweep the nation